Experiment

My bff Wendy got me the Tracy Anderson post-pregnancy dvd for my birthday. It is KILLER, and has received rave reviews. I swear, the first time I did it, my post-baby pooch held itself in a little more.
But, I've not been consistent with it.

I am going to see what this dvd can do, if I dedicate myself to it. So, in the next few weeks, I am going to do it 4 times a week, come hell or high water, and watch my sugar intake. I am going to eat healthier, and continue breastfeeding. I want to see if Tracy is full of BS when she says the skin will ALWAYS return to the muscle if you work smart enough. Right now, even though my stomach is not terrible, the skin is definitely stretched out and saggy. I'm going to take before and after pictures, and will post at the end of July.

If anyone has any additional tips, like creams to use or anything to help the skin get its tone back, I am ALL EARS!

letting go or letting myself go?

Last night I had the distinct pleasure of going to see Stevie Wonder at Starlight. Nana came to stay with Elise, so it was a rare treat for Danny and I to go somewhere together without her. Needless to say, I wanted to look pretty/special for our date. I thought I did an ok job with this... until we arrived at Starlight and I saw everyone dressed to the nine's, and realized that my standards for "working it" have really lowered. To wit: I wore a tan a-line skirt with a green, orange, and white floral pattern. I've always thought it was a cute skirt, and I still wear it all the time even thought its like 5 years old. I wore it with a brown sleeveless v-neck t-shirt that is a very thin, drapey fabric. I used to wear this breezy summer outfit with sandals all the time, and thought it looked very nice.
Here's the rub, though: my body has changed so much since pregnancy, that I really should have worn something else that fit my "new" body better. The t-shirt was way way way too tight across my chest (didn't realize it till I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror at Starlight) and I've lost so much muscle that I have NO shape at all in my butt/legs, so the skirt just hung all limp around me. I've cut my hair recently, and with the humidity recently, I cannot get it to smooth down and be the sleek texture that my haircut really requires to look cute. So, lately I've just been putting it into a little stubby pony tail, which looks cute if I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt, but not for a night out (but that is how I wore it.) Make up consists of mascara and a dusting of powder, and my tired eyes really need more these days, lest I look like a corpse.
I did not feel good about myself, and wished I had given my appearance more time. I realized that whereas it is liberating to not obsess over your body and your appearance because motherhood has placed other things in higher priority, it isn't ok (at least not for me) to not have the ability or desire to look great when the situation calls for it. I don't even look good for work anymore; I really need to work on that as well. It is not professional to go to work in clothes that are ill fitting or wrinkled, with unkempt hair and no make-up. Some days I don't even blow dry my hair OR wear make-up. This is not acceptable if I want to be anything more than I currently am at work (which is up for debate as well--not sure I want or can handle more responsibility with my attention and time divided like it is now.)

I don't want to slowly let myself go. I want to always show that I value caring for myself as well as my family. I wouldn't allow Elise to not be well-rested, clean, and nicely dressed. I wouldn't not feed her healthy food and allow her to not get enough playtime/exercise--so I need to take care of myself to a similar degree. Its liberating, for sure, to not feel like I have to be as thin or pretty as possible, so I should adjust my standards--sure. But I need to make sure they are high enough for ME, so I can walk with my head held high and know that I'm doing the best I can in all areas of my life.

good news and bad

Good news first: my old dog Su, is fine. Got all her tests back, and she is healthy. Vet thinks that she is either traumatized by Elise or doesn't like her food. Maybe a bit of both. So that makes me happy.
Bad news: I am having a very strange reaction to the news of Michael Jackson's death. I LOVED him as a child. He became kind of a joke, unfortunately, as his adult life unraveled and was fraught with strange and childlike obsessions and scandal. Let us not forget what a remarkable talent he was, and how much joy he brought to the 80s with his amazing dance songs and dancing. I personally do not believe he actually molested those boys; I believe he didn't know the boundaries between adults and children because he was childlike himself. To that end, I was just remarking to my carpool buddy today that if you were robbed of your childhood, and similarly,your development arrested, and you were also fabulously wealthy, it would be very easy to fall into an existence such as Michael Jackson's, where the lines and limits of "normal" blurred. If money is no object, you don't find yourself accepting the limits that those of us non-fabulously wealthy people are subject to. His plastic surgery is an obvious outward example of this; as is his ranch, complete with circus animals and amusement park rides. The "normal" luxury seeker just doesn't put those things in their mansion. So, he is labeled eccentric and becomes tabloid fodder.
Anyway, I want to remember him for Thriller and Bad and Billie Jean and for the Jackson 5. I want to remember Wendy and I trying to learn the Beat It dance in our college apartment. I want to remember playing "don't stop till you get enough" with mirror balls blazing when I worked at the skating rink.
RIP, Michael.

A dog named Su

I had to take my ten year old hound dog, Suzy, to the vet today. In recent months, she has wasted away to nothing, despite a hearty appetite. Last week she vomited at least once a day, and lost even more weight--which prompted me to take her to the vet. It occurs to me that some tough decisions might need to be made soon; what if she has an illness that will cost thousands of dollars to treat? What if she has a terminal illness?
Not to be morbid, but the thought of her sad, trusting brown eyes as I let the vet know I agreed with the decision to do the humane thing levels me. Danny will have to be the one to take this action, if it comes to this.
She was my first baby and I admit, since Elise's birth, she has not received the same level of attention she used to. I just don't have time to walk her every day, and she can't come with Elise and I because she's too *much*. I realize this isn't fair. I hate it. I don't necessarily think I'm giving her the best life. She's comfortable and well fed, but her natural instincts are definitely thwarted.
We find out test results tomorrow, am really hoping the sound in her lungs was the echo of the music in her doggy heart...
The picture of her I'm posting really sums up the past 9 months for her: "I used to be the baby."
I hope the sound in her lungs wasn't the sound of a broken heart.

here's the thing

As of Sunday night, our house is no longer for sale.

We're staying in Lawrence--hurray!

I'm so excited to not be in "ditch this house" mindset. I get to start living here again. The first thing I did once we had decided was to start decorating Elise's room. I was pregnant when we put it on the market, and never in my wildest dreams did I think it wouldn't sell, so we just painted her room, thinking it unwise to invest in decorations that may not work in our hypothetical new house. I guess I just thought that there would always be someone, like me, who appreciated the space for the money, the large yard, large trees, neighborhood, etc. Guess not...but its cool, I was worried about how my soul would fare in Topeka anyway, because its not somewhere I've ever wanted to live. No offense to Topeka; in fact, sometimes I feel guilty that I earn my paycheck there but then run home and spend it in Lawrence. Talk about a drain on an economy! But, now that I've tried to move there unsuccessfully, that guilt is mitigated somewhat.
I was looking forward to living in Topeka for a couple of reasons, though; Topeka is a "real" city, with people just living their lives, raising their families, doing their thing. Lawrence, in my opinion, has a population skewed to the 18-22 year olds, and people who wish they were 18-22 year olds. I am definitely not saying everyone who lives here is a wannabe college kid; certainly there are people here who were born and raised here and have built businesses here not associated with KU. But I think few people would argue with me that the population and dynamic of Lawrence is not always conducive to raising a family. Me having to drive to Topeka to earn a decent living is a prime example of this, and me not being able to sell my house despite a ton of lookers is another. Homes are overpriced, but jobs to afford them are few.
But, I love downtown. I love KU. I love the hills of my neighborhood and Lawrence in general. This is my home, this is where my daughter was born and where I married the man of my dreams. Let's embrace it as home and start living in the NOW!!

a new thing to worry about

I watched a movie last night about the impact of a daughter's drug addiction on a family. It was heart-wrenching. Of course it was a work of fiction, but art imitates life, and I can't imagine that this story hasn't been lived in reality 100 times over. I have a hard time imagining my amazingly cute sweet tiny baby daughter as an addict, but who does imagine that, as they hold their sleeping child and marvel at the innocence and sweetness of someone who isn't yet faced with adult choices and consequences.

I pray nightly that God will give me the strength to be strict when I need to be, and that I am able to give her the tools she needs to make good decisions. Its an enormous responsibility--and it doesn't come with a guarantee. I think that is the hardest part for me to stomach. We can do everything "right"--but Elise is her own person. And she will make mistakes, some that will hurt her, and some that will hurt us. It occurs to me that we are in the "easy" stage of parenting right now (ye gods!)

I have my own sad story about families being torn apart by the actions of a single member, and I was reminded of it today because of the weather this morning; I stepped outside after the rain and it was very humid, yet cool. It reminded me of the summer mornings when I lived with my aunt and uncle briefly when I first moved to Florida. Every morning (before I got a job) I would wake up and, still in my pjs, walk through the screened in porch that separated my "apartment" from the rest of their house, and join my aunt for her walk around the pond and coffee/newspaper reading and discussion. I've never had a very close bond with my dad, and I wasn't close at all to my stepmother, but I was very, very close to her sister (my stepaunt) and her sister's husband. Their family meant the world to me.
When I married Danny last year, I was asked by my father to not invite them to the wedding, because of a situation with my sister that he would not elaborate on. It was heavily implied that if I invited them, that my sister wouldn't come. It was more important to me that my sister come, so I conceded to not invite them.
When I learned what happened with my sister, my blood ran cold. I no longer saw a certain member of that family in the same light, and I knew things could never be the same. It hurts me terribly. I miss them desperately. But, some things are bad enough to tear apart families, and I don't believe there is anything that can mend them.
My whole point to this overwhelmingly negative blog is that I am realizing how hugely important it is that I am a parent to my daughter, and that I teach her the best I can--because the implications and consequences of bad decisions are very far-reaching. The actions of a single person CAN ruin families and destroy lives; it is vital that we devote every bit of our strength and passion to teaching our children right from wrong, and that there are consequences in this world--and how to make good, empathetic, future-minded decisions. So many things! I can't even begin to sum them up!