I love my daughter like I've never loved before. A viciously protective form of love, where I want to shield her from evil, hurt, malice, and negligence, and teach her everything I've learned the hard way in life so she can avoid some of the pain I've endured. I struggle daily with how to be a good parent, questioning my actions and reactions, and constantly reconciling how my parents were with me with how I am with Elise. I feel like I turned out pretty good, in spite of how I was raised! That isn't to say my parents didn't do a good job, but there were some pretty radical twists and turns that could have led me down a more destructive path. To my surprise, I came to the conclusion the other day that even though my dad was a little heavy handed on the discipline and my stepmom had bad chemicals in her brain, the fact that they supported my education and gave me a stable home was enough to launch my adult life in a productive way. In fact, because things weren't cushy and super-duper happy, I think my siblings and I "launched" better than most because we wanted to get the heck outta there and live our own lives on our own terms.
So, the question is, how do I recreate a similar childhood for Elise?
And the answer is, I don't. I will be me and I will do everything for her out of love. Right or wrong, permanently scarring or not, it will be because I love that child.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The hiatus may be over--Books and etc!
I can't seem to find time to blog lately! I am definitely not lacking in blog fodder. I mentally compose things as I'm driving, showering, chasing my very-nearly-walking-now-one-year-old child around. And of course, now that I have time to write, I can't remember any of the things I wanted to say!
I'll start with Elise: her birthday was September 22. She's a dream, that one. We want to have another one but I can't imagine my heart being able to hold any more love. It could likely explode (what a nice way to go, eh?)
Here's one of my favorite photos from her big day:
I actually was home sick on her birthday, nasty sinus infection. I am currently on antibiotics and feel a million times better. I'm apprehensive about the 2009 impending flu season, not sure if I should act on the H1N1 hype as a cautionary measure or just use common sense and do what I can to stay well? With Elise being in daycare, there will be more germ exposure than years past. It could be a rough winter. The almanac is predicting a very cold winter as well. I dread this--mostly in terms of utility bills. I get out so rarely these days that extreme cold will be just one more excuse to cozy up to my couch and my bookcase--so many things I want to read! I heard a book review on NPR for a book called 'Love Warps the Mind a Little" by John Dufresne. I think I'll go try to find it today. I've afforded more time for reading lately, not sure how, its just happened (maybe I've been reading in lieu of blogging!) I recently read a book called "The Shack" which is a little out of my reading element, but it sent me into a tailspin for a few days. I shall explain (spoiler alert! If you are going to read this book and want to be surprised, don't read much farther!) This book is written in a style that I hated so much that I almost couldn't make it through the book--very colloquial and "dumbed down", yet, I could tell the author was a thoughtful person who wouldn't ordinarily write like that, which is probably why I found it so distasteful and condescending. He used concepts like fractals, for crying out loud, while writing in colloquial vernacular that I found completely annoying. Additionally, the subject matter was typical of the Christian experience I had growing up: intentional breaking down of reader with emotional blackmail, then rebuild using the concept of God's love and forgiveness. I find this distasteful, but still ended up loving the book. I shall explain again: in this story, the main character's youngest daughter is kidnapped and murdered, the details of which are horrifically detailed, in terms of the emotions and suffering the family endured, and the lasting impact it had on the family. I can't imagine such a terrible fate for my own daughter, so this was particularly poignant for me. At any rate, the main character, whose name escapes me at the moment, is invited by "papa" (his wife's name for God--blech) back to the shack where his daughter was likely murdered. When he gets there, he spends a wonderful weekend with the God tri-fecta: Jesus (as himself), God (as portrayed as a large black woman who likes to cook), and the Holy Spirit (portrayed as a wispy Asian woman who collects tears.)
Sounds kitschy, right? It was. But, the philosophical ideas explored were fantastic. And the book left me with a comfort and a little bit of relief from my hellfire- and- brimstone-based religious upbringing. One of my favorite points in the book is that most of human suffering on earth is brought about by religion, economics, and politics--its so true! I do think our collective problems as a human race can boil down to those three elements. Also, it shed some light about the depth of God's understanding and forgiveness of humanity--even for someone who is "evil" enough to murder a little girl. It blew my mind to think that there could be grace for someone capable of that sort of thing. But, it all goes back to somewhere down the line, something happened to him or his father or his father's father that caused this evil, and that is the way of our imperfect planet. More profoundly, we demanded freedom from God per the story of Adam and Eve--we wanted knowledge of good and evil, so He gave it to us. Consequently, we complain and beg for deliverance from it.
I've only touched on the ideas in this blog. Even if you do not identify with the Christian faith, I would recommend this book simply from a philosophical viewpoint. Just remember I warned you that the writing was terrible!
I'll start with Elise: her birthday was September 22. She's a dream, that one. We want to have another one but I can't imagine my heart being able to hold any more love. It could likely explode (what a nice way to go, eh?)
Here's one of my favorite photos from her big day:
I actually was home sick on her birthday, nasty sinus infection. I am currently on antibiotics and feel a million times better. I'm apprehensive about the 2009 impending flu season, not sure if I should act on the H1N1 hype as a cautionary measure or just use common sense and do what I can to stay well? With Elise being in daycare, there will be more germ exposure than years past. It could be a rough winter. The almanac is predicting a very cold winter as well. I dread this--mostly in terms of utility bills. I get out so rarely these days that extreme cold will be just one more excuse to cozy up to my couch and my bookcase--so many things I want to read! I heard a book review on NPR for a book called 'Love Warps the Mind a Little" by John Dufresne. I think I'll go try to find it today. I've afforded more time for reading lately, not sure how, its just happened (maybe I've been reading in lieu of blogging!) I recently read a book called "The Shack" which is a little out of my reading element, but it sent me into a tailspin for a few days. I shall explain (spoiler alert! If you are going to read this book and want to be surprised, don't read much farther!) This book is written in a style that I hated so much that I almost couldn't make it through the book--very colloquial and "dumbed down", yet, I could tell the author was a thoughtful person who wouldn't ordinarily write like that, which is probably why I found it so distasteful and condescending. He used concepts like fractals, for crying out loud, while writing in colloquial vernacular that I found completely annoying. Additionally, the subject matter was typical of the Christian experience I had growing up: intentional breaking down of reader with emotional blackmail, then rebuild using the concept of God's love and forgiveness. I find this distasteful, but still ended up loving the book. I shall explain again: in this story, the main character's youngest daughter is kidnapped and murdered, the details of which are horrifically detailed, in terms of the emotions and suffering the family endured, and the lasting impact it had on the family. I can't imagine such a terrible fate for my own daughter, so this was particularly poignant for me. At any rate, the main character, whose name escapes me at the moment, is invited by "papa" (his wife's name for God--blech) back to the shack where his daughter was likely murdered. When he gets there, he spends a wonderful weekend with the God tri-fecta: Jesus (as himself), God (as portrayed as a large black woman who likes to cook), and the Holy Spirit (portrayed as a wispy Asian woman who collects tears.)Sounds kitschy, right? It was. But, the philosophical ideas explored were fantastic. And the book left me with a comfort and a little bit of relief from my hellfire- and- brimstone-based religious upbringing. One of my favorite points in the book is that most of human suffering on earth is brought about by religion, economics, and politics--its so true! I do think our collective problems as a human race can boil down to those three elements. Also, it shed some light about the depth of God's understanding and forgiveness of humanity--even for someone who is "evil" enough to murder a little girl. It blew my mind to think that there could be grace for someone capable of that sort of thing. But, it all goes back to somewhere down the line, something happened to him or his father or his father's father that caused this evil, and that is the way of our imperfect planet. More profoundly, we demanded freedom from God per the story of Adam and Eve--we wanted knowledge of good and evil, so He gave it to us. Consequently, we complain and beg for deliverance from it.
I've only touched on the ideas in this blog. Even if you do not identify with the Christian faith, I would recommend this book simply from a philosophical viewpoint. Just remember I warned you that the writing was terrible!
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