poems from 2007

Some context for the below: 2007 was a dark year for me. Cancer was taking my stepmother while I was coming to the sad realization that my marriage was never going to be a thing of joy or satisfaction. Divorce is a horrible thing; making such a permanent decision about something that started with such optimism was complete agony, especially since, at that time, I hadn't come to regard him with the disdain that I currently feel. The poems below are about my beloved Daniel, of course, and the conflict within my heart that came from realizing I was fettered to a dead marriage whilst in love with someone else. I'm only mildly ashamed to say that falling in love with Daniel took place before I was divorced; the marriage had been over for several years. I'm not one to take a vow like marriage lightly, so I plodded on, thinking someday things would be better. Someday he would sleep in our marital bed. Someday he would want to have a family with me. Someday he would be able to resolve conflict with me without ignoring me as if I weren't there. Someday...

One especially joyous revelation about this spring: it makes 2 years together with Danny. The two year mark with my ex-husband was full of desperate moves, trying to keep things from unraveling further. I conceded to move back to Kansas--surely we will be happy there!--and in hindsight, I knew in my gut we were headed towards ruin. But if I hadn't came back to Kansas, I wouldn't have met Danny. I don't discount it at all, and even the pain of upheaving my life, of falling into financial ruin at the hand of my ex, have given me so much appreciation for him and the love we have. Maybe its like "without the bitter, the sweet isn't as sweet" sort of thing. Without the stewed tomatoes, the chili isn't as delicious. (Aside: that little tidbit will only mean something to a select few readers. I think I'm *almost* to the point where I can laugh at the absurdity of that now...)

Without further ado...

amidst acceptance and regret, i hide

let this be subject upon only me

to ensure that no one else will reside

in this odd space, no, within this wrong deed

to love you, is to love and shelter you

from me, but not this me, the other one

the one, both senseless and good, but not true

but more than the sum of what i have done

and so i forget from the day before

that which does not appeal or so reflect

the light i wish to cast, for whom i adore

familiar mask, my comforting affect

the two things, relate not to each other

not meant to wound, not content to smother

************************************

your velvet glance has graced many a dream

even before my soul delighted

with recognition, a reunion sweet

deep breaths to scatter apprehensions

my heart stills, now that my lips have found yours

hopeful, delicious, and singing;

to be savored only in sleeping hours

or a fleeting shadow

********************************