this and that

Yesterday wasn't a very good day for me. I received an unexpected reminder of how bitter and immature my ex-husband is, and it sent me reeling into some very negative territory. Here's where I'm at: I accept responsibility for my part of what went wrong in that relationship, because it takes two people, after all. The part of this that still has the power to inflame my emotions--to the extent that I felt ill!--is that he does not accept responsibility for the role he played. He plays me out to be this evil infidel zombie, and he an innocent victim. It is my feeling that people believe him, and even if they don't, they enjoy the Mandy-bashing and drama of this whole situation.
I was fair. I was kind. Yes, I was the one who left, but there was no other option for me once it got to a certain point (aside: is leaving in itself unkind? Not in this situation, maybe in some.) Yet, I am not given any credit at all for those things, so in retrospect, I should have been unfair and unkind.
Except, that's not me. And herein lies my problem. He is playing me out to be something I'm not--for a laugh, for sympathy--and I am reasonably certain it is because he doesn't want to be face to face with the fact that I am a good, decent, loving person--and I couldn't be with him anymore because he has some things about him by which I cannot abide. I wish we could level with each other HONESTLY. Here's what I'd say, "I'm sorry things went the way they did, but you know I was fair, and you know what you did to drive me away. You can say whatever you want to whomever you want, but at the end of the day, you know." And he would look me in the eye and say "Yes, I understand why you left. Thank you for being fair in all aspects, but with all due respect, I need to be able to spin my tale for the sake of my dignity, because this is a humiliating place to be." I believe that if this dialogue could take place, I might be able to have a little more peace in my soul where this is concerned.

Its hard to be face to face with our imperfect selves--but that is the only way we can fully embrace who we are! What is so beautiful about Danny is, from the start, we stood before each other, warts and all, here I am, here are my flaws, and I am asking you to love me anyway.

There are many other beautiful things about Danny. I could write a whole separate blog about how wonderful he is and how great our life together is. Maybe I will.

One thing that not everyone knows about my husband is that he plays the violin. He doesn't play often; but when he does, its like I'm seeing him for the first time, and I cannot describe the feelings invoked by this revelation. He is so amazing to me--the love I feel for him is so complete, so true. I remember always feeling like I had to make excuses for my ex when we were married--not so with Danny. He's so very... normal. And I appreciate that to such a great degree--because I've lived with someone with some very unusual behaviors. Yet, he's also extraordinary! Danny is such a focused person--when he decides he wants to do something, he does what it takes to do it well. He does not cut corners, and he goes for his goal with a tenacity that I simply do not possess. He is like this with music, cooking, sports, yard work, child-rearing--you name it! I respect this so much. He inspires me to be better at my endeavors.

I hear Elise stirring so I can't go on, even though I've got many thoughts today. Hopefully they will stick around until later!